


Destroying Karkat's Well Thought Out Plans

by BagtheBagisnotaBag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Chatlogs, Fluff and Humor, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Karkat Swearing, M/M, Minecraft, Troll Culture (Homestuck), Trollstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 03:53:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17134433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BagtheBagisnotaBag/pseuds/BagtheBagisnotaBag
Summary: GG: but what does your anniversary have to do with not playing trollcraft with me today? this has never come up beforeCG: I HAVE *PLANS*GG: but ~trollcraaaaaaaaft~GG: i bet if i troll sollux he will play with meCG: NO WAITGG: what?CG: I HAVE...CG: ROMANTIC PLANSCG: INVOLVING SOLLUXCG: AND ME





	Destroying Karkat's Well Thought Out Plans

CG: WE LITERALLY LIVE TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK JHAYDE. HOW COULD YOU *NOT* KNOW THAT WE WERE MATESPRITS.  
GG: you dont exactly act like a couple mister  
GG: you call each other mean names all the time!  
GG: how was I supposed to know you even liked each other when you were always using things like fucking fuckass! As a pet name!  
GG: >:(  
CG: I HAVE NEVER CALLED HIM *FUCKASS* YOU PIECE OF EXCREMENT GAMER  
CG: BUT THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT  
CG: YOU HAVE KNOWN US FOR HOW MANY SWEEPS  
GG: i mean...  
CG: I WILL FIND OUT FOR YOU SHALL I JUST A SECOND LET ME CHECK MY RECORDS  
GG: goooooog! what are you even doing!?  
CG: HOLD ON  
GG: >:|  
CG: AH YES HERE IT IS  
CG: YOU HAVE KNOW US FOR A FUCKING **SHIT TON** OF SWEEPS  
CG: AND YOU DID NOT PICK UP ON THE FACT THAT SOLLUX AND I HAVE BEEN DATING FOR THE ENTIRE TENURE OF THIS ONLINE HATEFRIENDSHIP  
GG: heres an idea  
GG: maybe you could have just told me that you two were dating?  
GG: like im not sure if this is a concept that wont get lost in the empty chasm that is your pan-hole but maybe you could have just stated the facts plainly for everyone to see?!  
CG: I THOUGHT THE FACTS WERE PLAIN TO SEE  
CG: YOU ARE JUST UNOBSERVANT  
GG: *grumble grumble* no you  
CG: HAHA DONT START WITH THAT “NO YOU” BACK AND FORTH SHIT AGAIN  
GG: heh yeah  
GG: that is one obnoxious hole I do not want to sink back into  
GG: did you ever get your ar to work?

 

(peregrees in the past during the Terrible AR Coding War...)  
TA: no you  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
CG: F  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
CG: U  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
CG: C  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
GG: no you! >:(  
TG: no you  
.  
.  
.  
(and so on)

 

CG: NO  
CG: I STILL CANT FIGURE OUT HOW YOU TWO FUCKS DID IT  
CG: THE AUTOMATIC RESPONDERS HAVE BEEN PUT TO REST AND THAT IS WHERE THEY SHOULD STAY  
GG: dont fret karkat! one day you will figure it out and then youll be able to join team Eliite Codiing Biitche2!  
GG: maybe you can get your secret matesprit sollux to help you level up your coding game  
CG: JUST TO REITERATE  
CG: IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE A SECRET  
CG: I PITY THE FUCK OUT OF THAT DOUCHBAG AND I THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS  
GG: gosh you are both so cute together >:D  
GG: when is sollux going to get online I want to play some trollcraft >:X  
CG: WHERE YOU NOT HERE AT THE START OF THIS CONVERSATION  
CG: WAS I INSTEAD TALKING TO SOME GIGGLING CLONE WHO HACKED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AND HAD A LIVELY CONVERSATION WITH ME ABOUT *EXACTLY* WHY THE FUCK SOLLUX AND I CANT PLAY TODAY  
GG: no you dumb butt its just me >:p  
GG: but what does your anniversary have to do with not playing trollcraft with me today? this has never come up before  
CG: I HAVE *PLANS*  
GG: but ~trollcraaaaaaaaft~  
GG: i bet if i troll sollux he will play with me  
CG: NO WAIT  
GG: what?  
CG: I HAVE...  
CG: ROMANTIC PLANS  
CG: INVOLVING SOLLUX  
CG: AND ME  
GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa so cute >:D  
CG: FUCKING MAKARAS MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS  
CG: PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I HATE PDA  
CG: FUCK YOU  
CG: I AM NOT CUTE  
GG: you are ~*adorable*~  
CG: NO  
CG: STOP THAT  
GG: ok  
CG: WAIT REALLY?  
GG: if...  
CG: I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH  
GG: if.........................  
GG: you tell me what your cute cute plans are for your adorable matespritshipiversary  
CG: FUCK NO  
GG: awww why not >:(  
CG: I MAY LOOK LIKE A PAN ADDLED FUCK STICK BUT I DONT ACTUALLY HATE MYSELF ENOUGH TO EXPOSE MY ASS TO YOUR EXCLUSIVE BRAND OF RIDICULE  
GG: dont think that karkat, i wont make fun of you!  
CG: HAHA  
CG: LIKE FUCK YOU WONT  
GG: ok mister lets break a deal  
GG: I have a little nibblet of gossip pertaining to a certain gillfriend of ours that hasnt floated your way just yet >;)  
CG: ...  
CG: IM LISTENING  
GG: if you tell me about your juicy juicy dateplans ill tell you.....  
GG: (the saucy deets............................)  
GG: >;)  
CG: I SEE  
CG: YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL JHAYDE  
CG: ILL BITE  
GG: yay! >:D  
GG: tell me, tell me, tell me!  
CG: CALM DOWN WILL YOU  
CG: FUCK  
CG: LET ME THINK FOR A SECOND I DIDNT THINK I WOULD HAVE TO TYPE THIS OUT  
GG: (*quiet yay* >:D)  
CG: OK  
CG: IT WILL *HOPEFULLY* GO LIKE THIS  
CG: FIRST IM GOING TO COOK HIM DINNER

You have been slaving over the mealburner for what feels like hours now and it is going terribly. Sollux will be home any minute and your grubsauce has congealed down to a thick translucent paste. This does not look like the picture on the recipe forum and you can feel the panic curdling in your stomach like a bad plate of your own cooking. 

Crabdad takes your general state of ire and stress as his queue to barge into the kitchen and let out a shrill scree. You spin to face him, letting out an angry scree of your own, spatulakind in hand. Fuck. No. You do not have time to strife right now. He scuttles over to you dispute your best hopes and fuck. No no no no. You pull him away from one of the dishes before he can gobble it down in a fit of custodial hunger. 

That Beetle Scrumage was one of the only plates of food that looks _edible_ \- it might even be _delicious_ \- right now. “Get the fuck away from that!” You thwack him with your spatula over his meaty claws and block his line of sight to the food, shoving him in the general direction of not fucking here. 

“Skreeeeeee,” he lets you push him back towards the door, shuffling his bulk in the general direction of your weak (by lusus standards) pushes. At this rate, you might actually get him out without him ruining _anything_. 

But no. Suddenly Crabdad decides he won't actually go peacefully out of the block. He shoves past you, knocking you over with the strength only an 8 foot dimwitted lusus has and lunges for the boilbowl full of faulty grubsause. “No! Fucking stop!” You should have known it wouldn't be that easy. To this day you have never won a strife against Crabdad.

He gulps down the contents of the boilbowl before you can scramble to your feet or even fucking warn him that it's hot, the inconsiderate bastard. Not that he gives two fucks. He lets out a satisfied burp and wanderers away to find another room to ravage. 

Fuck.

You find a spare bottle of grubsause tucked into the back of the thermal hull and heat that up instead. Unlike your monstrosity of a grubsause it bubbles with a perfect sheen. 

Who knows. Maybe Crabdad actually saved you by eating your hivecooked poison himself?

 

CG: THEN AFTER DINNER WE ARE GOING TO WATCH A ROMANTIC MOVIE TOGETHER  
CG: IM EVEN GOING TO LET HIM PICK THE MOVIE  
GG: wow karkat thats unprecedented!  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP  
GG: hehe  
GG: never >:p

 

You are curled up on the couch with Sollux. 

Somehow the meal you cooked was not a disaster. When Sollux walked in, the room was aglow with soft blue light and scattered with red roses. Biclops and Crabdad were safely locked away on the roof and dinner was artfully laid out on the table. It was perfect. Even if Sollux ended up calling you a sap and refusing to believe you actually cooked the food yourself. Like really, _you_ made this? 

But now you are tucked up in front of the display screen full and satisfied. You don’t often watch movies together, preferring to play video games together instead as well as with you various online friends.

However watching a movie together gives you a unique chance to snuggle up under Sollux’s pointy elbow and press your face into his warm side. It's nice. Sollux has his arm around your shoulders and his legs are tangled with yours. On screen the protagonist dashes through the long halls of an imperial ship, searching for his pity-crush before she can descend with the rest of the warriorvillians to fight the bloodthirsty aliens on the harsh planet below. 

Sollux lets out a quiet snore from above you, knocking you out of your movie-watching trance. His head is tipped back and he is deeply asleep. Well. So much for your movie night. Your plan had you watching a few more movies after this but it seems Sollux has decided to tap out halfway through round one.

You turn the movie off. There is no point now if he is just going to fall asleep on you. You have seen this one a dozen times anyway. 

Letting any troll sleep without spoor is a good way to get them in a frantic fighting rage when they wake up after all the bloodthirsty nightmares. You shake him awake.

“Bah! What time is it.” He splutters as his eyes snap open. He clings tighter to you for a second. It must be a shock to wake up out of spoor. The naked fear makes your bloodpusher clench with pity. 

“You were only out for a few minutes. Calm the fuck down.” 

He lets out a small “heh,” of relief. 

You help him up from the couch. “Come on let's let you to ‘coon.”

That pulls him all the way out of his daze. “What! No. It’s still early. I’m not even tired.”

The look you give him tells him exactly what you think of that fucking lie. 

“Honest. You know movies just aren’t my thing.”

Your face falls. You do know that. You don’t know why past Karkat thought this was a good idea. Imbecile. “Then why did you watch it with me, dipshit.” 

“Hey don’t give me that look. I watched it because of _you_. I know how much effort you put into today.”

“Oh.” 

“Yeah ‘oh’ is right. You need to get it through your pan that I pity you too.”

Oh. You do know. It’s nice for him to say it though. You lean in as he touches your cheek and pulls you in for a soft kiss. He only makes contact for a second before he’s mumbling into your mouth, “How about we just play Trollcraft like we usually do. Jhayde has been trolling me all day about it.” 

You scowl. “Fucking hell. I told her to leave off. She knew I was planning this.” 

“Yeah but I was bored and you kicked me out of the hive for your shifty dinner making plans - hey, don’t make that face. How could I not know you were up to something. You were acting all weird and then made me go over to Aradia’s. And on our anniversary too.”

You press him into a kiss again to shut him up. Fucking hell. You should have known you were being obvious. Sollux never leaves the hive and the excuse of making him visit Aradia was a stretch even for you. 

 

GG: and then what?  
CG: THEN AFTER WATCHING THE MOVIE WE WILL WATCH ANOTHER MOVIE  
GG: thats all you got! >:|  
GG: thats stupid  
GG: you should just play with me instead  
CG: FUCKING CHRIST ON A TWO WHEELED DEVICE NO  
CG: I TOLD YOU  
CG: THIS IS GOING TO BE A MAGNIFICENT CELEBRATION AND HE IS GOING TO LIKE IT  
CG: ANYWAY YOU HAVENT PAYED YOUR HALF OF THE DEAL  
CG: WHATS THE “JUICY JUICY” GOS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALLED IT THAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE  
GG: oh right!  
GG: rhiose and kanaya kissed!  
CG: *GASP* WHAT!  
GG: it was spontaneous and romantic and beautiful and i was there and rhiose was drunk and afterward kanaya couldnt stop smiling and ~i~ couldnt stop smiling  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOG  
CG: FUCK  
CG: THEY HAVE BEEN DANCING AROUND EACH OTHER FOR WEEKS  
CG: I CANT BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY SORTED THEMSELVES OUT  
GG: haha! i cant believe you and sollux have been matesprits this whole goddamn time!  
GG: and also that you still wont play trollcraft with me >:\  
CG: OH FUCK THAT REMINDS ME I HAVE TO START COOKING SOON  
CG: SO ILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGonstic [GG] \--

GG: uh bye I guess >:\

 

The end of your anniversary celebration involves you and Sollux logging into your trollnet accounts and loading up Trollcraft. 

Jhayde is ecstatic and soon has you on an epic adventure to fight the dragon lusus and get the treasure. Somehow, you end up having a really good time. Sollux is right next to you both in-game and out and Jhayde flits around on screen cooing about how cute you are together. She keeps gasping at all the obvious clues of your matespritship like how you live in the same grand mansion in-game while she lives in her quarts tower with her pet barkbeast. 

You guess you don’t have to do anything different to your usual fuckery to celebrate your anniversary. Sollux lives with you. You already do fun things together every goddamn day.

**Author's Note:**

> CG: BLAH BLAH BLAH THIS IS MY NEW HATEFRIEND JHAYDE  
> GG: >:|  
> TA: eheh wiith that emojii ii can see why you are friiends wiith her kk  
> TA: she iis just as angry as you  
> CG: THOSE ARE HER HORNES YOU BITCH  
> CG: ):B
> 
> a secret santa gift for marbles-delight on tumblr. if you read this and have an ao3 hit me up and ill add you as the gift receiver


End file.
